Useful Knowledge for Men

Now we come, so to speak, to an extremely delicate subject, and it goes without saying that children or adults of a nervous disposition (especially womenfolk) should click on one of our external links immediately, before the matter at hand (again, so to speak) corrupts them bodily and psychologically. In fact, perhaps it would be best if you went and made us all a nice cup of tea.
Have they left the room?
Good!
Gentlemen, the following important, scientifically researched booklet on…ahem…let us say ‘self abuse’ and not clutter up the otherwise clean highways of the Internet with unnecessary expletives, has recently fallen into my hands. Actually, it was shoved into my hands by the extremely insistent Mr Barker (Master Butcher) who seemed to be under the impression that I had sore need of said booklet’s advice.
Exactly how it was delivered into Mr Barker’s hands in the first place, I didn’t enquire. Let’s just say that somebody somewhere considered it very important for him to own a personal copy, because this ‘Treatise on Weakness in Men’ has been signed by no less a personage than the author himself, S. Gould (Specialist) as the frontispiece from the publication below demonstrates:


Perhaps Mr Barker was once a close personal friend of our abstinent scientist. We can only hope, because the knowledge contained within this book has no doubt saved him (and many other wanton males) hours of suffering from weak bladders, short sightedness and even, possibly, rickets.
In the author’s own words his ‘Reason’ for the booklet’s publication (which has nothing whatsoever to do with an attempt to flog you some chastity pants at the end) is as follows:
“(For) the great number of cases continually coming under my notice who must be suffering in solitude…” (Editor: Perhaps an unfortunate choice of phraseology there) “…this book will at least enable the sufferer, by a proper description of symptoms and simple mode of treatment, to relieve himself.” (Editor: No…honestly…this is a genuine booklet, delivered without intentional irony. It doesn’t have much to do with the Fylde and Wyre, I must admit, but it is informative and antiquarian, and if you think for one moment that I could resist posting it on the Internet, then you’ve obviously never met me.)
But why quote the booklet when we can just as easily scan some of it in? If you’re having difficulty reading the following image, and let’s be honest, under the circumstances that’s not surprising, then simply click on the picture to enlarge it…er…once again, so to speak:


See! Prone towards idiocy! And that’s a fact because it’s written in black and white, in a book and everything! I wonder what those suspicious looking stains are all over the pages.
Let’s move hastily on.
After several chapters full of lurid descriptions and illustrations of secretions and other nasty problems caused through, let’s say ‘onerous practices’, (which despite S. Gould’s insistence to the contrary, could very well ‘upset readers’…especially if they’ve just had their tea, so we’re not about to reproduce them here) we finally reach the nub of the matter. (Save the innuendoes for the comments boxes, eh? And please remember, this is still a family site. I’ve no intention of upgrading to P.G. so consider carefully what you’re writing before leaving offensive remarks, will you?)


Also available in pink and leopard skin.
I don’t know about you, but my eyes are watering just looking at the illustration. Michelle must be chopping onions downstairs. (Again, supply your own innuendoes if necessary.)
So there you have it. Should you find it necessary to borrow this booklet for your own self-restraint, please make further enquiries to Mr Barker. I, of course, found it educational, but have little need for such enlightening material myself.
Right, ladies and kiddies back out from behind the sofa, please.
Normal service will be resumed with the next posting.