Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Useful Knowledge for Men

Now we come, so to speak, to an extremely delicate subject, and it goes without saying that children or adults of a nervous disposition (especially womenfolk) should click on one of our external links immediately, before the matter at hand (again, so to speak) corrupts them bodily and psychologically. In fact, perhaps it would be best if you went and made us all a nice cup of tea.
Have they left the room?


Gentlemen, the following important, scientifically researched booklet on…ahem…let us say ‘self abuse’ and not clutter up the otherwise clean highways of the Internet with unnecessary expletives, has recently fallen into my hands. Actually, it was shoved into my hands by the extremely insistent Mr Barker (Master Butcher) who seemed to be under the impression that I had sore need of said booklet’s advice.

Exactly how it was delivered into Mr Barker’s hands in the first place, I didn’t enquire. Let’s just say that somebody somewhere considered it very important for him to own a personal copy, because this ‘Treatise on Weakness in Men’ has been signed by no less a personage than the author himself, S. Gould (Specialist) as the frontispiece from the publication below demonstrates:

Perhaps Mr Barker was once a close personal friend of our abstinent scientist. We can only hope, because the knowledge contained within this book has no doubt saved him (and many other wanton males) hours of suffering from weak bladders, short sightedness and even, possibly, rickets.

In the author’s own words his ‘Reason’ for the booklet’s publication (which has nothing whatsoever to do with an attempt to flog you some chastity pants at the end) is as follows:
“(For) the great number of cases continually coming under my notice who must be suffering in solitude…” (Editor: Perhaps an unfortunate choice of phraseology there) “…this book will at least enable the sufferer, by a proper description of symptoms and simple mode of treatment, to relieve himself.” (Editor: No…honestly…this is a genuine booklet, delivered without intentional irony. It doesn’t have much to do with the Fylde and Wyre, I must admit, but it is informative and antiquarian, and if you think for one moment that I could resist posting it on the Internet, then you’ve obviously never met me.)
But why quote the booklet when we can just as easily scan some of it in? If you’re having difficulty reading the following image, and let’s be honest, under the circumstances that’s not surprising, then simply click on the picture to enlarge it…er…once again, so to speak:

See! Prone towards idiocy! And that’s a fact because it’s written in black and white, in a book and everything! I wonder what those suspicious looking stains are all over the pages.

Let’s move hastily on.

After several chapters full of lurid descriptions and illustrations of secretions and other nasty problems caused through, let’s say ‘onerous practices’, (which despite S. Gould’s insistence to the contrary, could very well ‘upset readers’…especially if they’ve just had their tea, so we’re not about to reproduce them here) we finally reach the nub of the matter. (Save the innuendoes for the comments boxes, eh? And please remember, this is still a family site. I’ve no intention of upgrading to P.G. so consider carefully what you’re writing before leaving offensive remarks, will you?)

Also available in pink and leopard skin.

I don’t know about you, but my eyes are watering just looking at the illustration. Michelle must be chopping onions downstairs. (Again, supply your own innuendoes if necessary.)

So there you have it. Should you find it necessary to borrow this booklet for your own self-restraint, please make further enquiries to Mr Barker. I, of course, found it educational, but have little need for such enlightening material myself.

Right, ladies and kiddies back out from behind the sofa, please.

Normal service will be resumed with the next posting.


Andrew said...

What's the dude on about? Is squeezing a pimple self abuse? You're an ejicated chappie Brian, what are these violent secretions he speaks of? Is he actually referring to the result of squeezing a pimple?

phil said...

Brian was at a loose end in need of the books useful knowledge.
the stains were not on the book when i gave it to him.
someone close to him needs to take him in hand.

Bwca Brownie said...

I do recall a famous treatise on 'self amusement' by a D.S.Burton, the original stop-it-or-you'll-go-blind guy.

Is that silk-lined harness 'DryClean Only' ?

Brian Hughes said...


Squeezing a pimple? Well, that could be one euphemism for it I suppose.


I have to admit, the stains were caused by the local stray cats getting onto my bookcase and leaving their dirty pawprints everywhere. I tried my best to get them down in time, but you know how it is...sometimes it's tricky to pull one off without making a mess.


I've asked Phil, and he informs me that they wash up nicely and without shrinkage in the kitchen sink with the rest of the dirty crockery.

John said...

Well, this just explains everything, doesn't it? Why haven't we seen this book on Dr. Phil?

Anonymous, because I did not read this, or lower myself to comment here....

Brian Hughes said...


The reason I've never seen this book on Dr. Phil is because I've never even heard of Dr. Phil to be honest. I've heard of Dr. Who, but somehow I suspect this particular volume's not in his library either.

phil said...

I am now holding my own a fallen man no more.
I can now offer you a Varicocele Suspernder (large size) so you to can become less ignorant and free from the evil.
should i wash it or will you take it in its state of comfort,there will be no charge not even a small deposit.

Brian Hughes said...


I'm very tempted, but I think I'd better practice some self restraint here.

History Hunter said...

Gosh I hope he was never knocked down by a bus. Try explaining that!

Brian Hughes said...


I'm sure the highly trained medical staff at A&R would be wearing their own devices, being fully informed about such matters as what they no doubt were.

Jayne said...

Praise the saints and pass the pulpit wine I need a good, long swig before I can assemble any thoughts on this.

No, another swig.

Perhaps the whole bottle is needed in times like this, oh Lord.

Yep, thash dun the *hic* job nishly that hash. *hic*
Now, you dirty liddle *snort* buggers wash your filthy mitts proply wif hot wa*hic*ter and plenty of soap and shtop this smutty talk immediately or you'll get hair on the *hic* palms of your hands and you'll be forever coughing up hairballs.
Not nish, not nish at *hic* all.

Brian Hughes said...


I believe we did give fair warning that this posting should only be read by gentlemen of an emotionally irresponsible disposition. Especially gentlemen of stunted stature. And bad eyesight. And prone to idiocy.

Yes...especially-especially those prone to idiocy, with a penchant for silk-lined chastity belts.

Jayne said...

I shall forever have the image of a silk-lined chastity belt (for MEN!) branded on my subconscious.
Pass the pulpit wine...and the latest bodice-ripper :P

Brian Hughes said...


Just picture Blackadder with one of 'em on his head and a couple of pencils stuffed up his nose. That should help.

Jayne said...

You know, strangely I really can picture Rowan Atkinson in Blackadder kit with the HB's stuck up his nostrils and the bizarre contraption on his noggin, a la a scold's bridle.
And Tony Robinson muttering about his cunning plan.....

Brian Hughes said...

And Phil Harding in his horrible shorts...

Jayne said...

Meanwhile, onto more pleasant thoughts.....we're still waiting to see the special Tony Robinson filmed on the archaeology dig at Glenrowan about Ned Kelly.
(Had to do something to stop thinking of tiddly winks and builder's cracks!)

Brian Hughes said...


You could try brickies' snakes and ladders instead.

JahTeh said...


That's too suggestive.

That's just filthy.

That'll get Andrew too hot and bothered.

Hell and damnation, I'm lost for words.

WV is 'pries'. Blogger's right on the ball since prying the jewells out of that safe deposit box would require at least four helping hands.

Brian Hughes said...

In which case, Witchy, I'm sure the good Dr. Gould wouldn't be complaining.

shirley said...

Ughh reminds me of a visit to Hell Fire Caves I was only seven and mum rushed me out when she twigged what the hell fire was. eek

It was normally a trip over Belmont to my sister's and prato pie and mushy peas for entertainment.

Brian Hughes said...


You've got me wondering what the Hell Fire was now. Sounds intriguing, if not a bit lewd...

shirley said...

Hell Fire Caves was somewhere in the midlands where Victorian men and women got up to all sorts and the impements are in situ. yuk I wonder if it is still there??Not a job for your Michelle

Brian Hughes said...


Now I remember. The Hell Fire Club, where they practised all sorts of debauch rituals and stuff. I saw a documentary about it on telly. Blue Peter I think it was.