Saturday, June 28, 2008

Under Orders

It’s that time of year again when Wyre Archaeology is so strapped for cash we’re willing to sell our souls to the devil. (“Just sign your name here, sir. In blood if you don’t mind.” “’Ere! That’s not an inkwell!”) However, seeing as most of us haven’t reclaimed our souls from the pawnshop yet, we’ve decided to release another book instead.
All right, so it’s a rehash of most of the articles on this website (without the videos or slideshows and stuff because, obviously, they wouldn’t work in print), but we’re desperate here, and if you don’t order a copy immediately we’ll be forced to take George Birchall out the back and shoot him.

There are certain advantages to owning the Fylde and Wyre Antiquarian in print rather than reading it on the web.
One: You can keep it by the side of the loo and, because the pages are absorbent, it’ll come in handy if you have an emergency.
Two: When you’ve finished with it (which won’t take long) you can give it to somebody else as a Christmas present (preferably somebody you don’t really like).
Three: There isn’t a three. That’s it I’m afraid.
Some of you might have noticed that our list of outlets in the right hand column has vanished recently. That’s because most of our local bookshops have gone bankrupt (don’t blame us…we were the only things keeping them goi
ng as far as I can work out). As a result we’re now owed millions of quid, and we’re not likely to see any of it in a hurry. For the time being, therefore, we’re selling our books directly, so watch out for old fogies wearing anachronistic hats with trays round their necks in a street near you soon. Alternatively, you can buy our books over the Internet as usual. (The links are there in the right hand column. All you have to do is click.)
Wyre Archaeology members please take note: We’ll be taking orders for the new ‘Fylde and Wyre Antiquarian’ book at the next meeting, so bring plenty of spondoolix and make sure to ask your friends and relatives etc. if they’d like a copy too. If you don’t, then we’ll be digging our trenches with plastic coffee spoons next year.
As we’ve already mentioned several times, all the proceeds from this book will be going into the Wyre Archaeology coffers, so do your bit and order a copy now. If sales haven’t reached 10,000 by this time next month, in addition to George being shot I’ll be posting a photograph on this board in which the book isn’t obscuring most of my face. After that…who kn
ows what horrors lie in wait? On your own heads be it!


Jayne said...

Lacking a credit card I can't purchase online but I'm happy to send you a money order directly if you want to drop me a line or three via email?

Brian Hughes said...

"...if you want to drop me a line or three via email?"

Cyber drugs?

Jayne said...

If you're hiding your book inside those sort of things when smuggling the book internationally, I can see where your marketing strategy has gone awry :P

Dysthymiac said...

jeepers Hughes - don't frighten away a customer!

I am sending a parcel of plastic spoons, and the farm tearooms guy is pleased to hear it.

Brian Hughes said...


Marketing strategy? What's that?


Customers? What are they?

Fiona said...

does my dad know you're planning on shooting him??

Brian Hughes said...


Not yet, but he was the closest thing to a puppy that we had. Fortunately he never reads this website, otherwise there might be sackings all round after this.

Fiona said...

was that link I sent of any use regarding the equipment??

Brian Hughes said...

Bugger! I forgot to mention that to him. (Too busy trying to work out what was going on in the trench yesterday, fending off inquisitive cows and getting drenched despite the weather forecast of 'overcast but dry'. I'll forget my own head at this rate.) Actually I might have mentioned fact, I'm pretty sure I did...but I've forgotten what he said in reply now. Not to'll be home in a couple of weeks so we can bring up the subject again.

JahTeh said...

You are confused, it's the cows that get drenched not antiquarians.

You just had a filthy rich Australian to visit and you didn't think to pinch his wallet?

You may have my collection of plastic spoons filched from every cafe I visit if you could just send the postage.

Brian Hughes said...


"You are confused, it's the cows that get drenched not antiquarians."

That entirely depends at which end of the cow the antiquarian is standing.

"You just had a filthy rich Australian to visit and you didn't think to pinch his wallet?"

By which I assume you're referring to Andrew...who must have visited in disguise because, despite whatever he wrote on his website, in reality I've haven't seen him or that camera attached to his face anywhere.

"You may have my collection of plastic spoons filched from every cafe I visit if you could just send the postage."

If I could afford the postage to Australia, I wouldn't need to be begging people to buy my books...

Dysthymiac said...

ha ha ha - cows and archaeology do not mix well.
They are inquisitive because they are bored of course.
On a farm not far from me, the local Time Team on a Government Grant found some aboriginals midden and insisted to the farmer that it must be fenced and protected as Heritage.
Yep. As soon as their construction gang drove away the cows all went straight over and flattened the 'protection'.
Up until it's 'discovery', the cows had ignored it completely.

Brian Hughes said...


There's a photograph of the cows from last week's dig appearing at the start of next Saturday's article.

Personally I like cows. Especially with sweet pickle. It's those rabid Pilling sheep you have to watch out for.

Ozfemme said...

I've found someone else's credit card I can use so.. um.... I'm buying one.

Brian Hughes said...

Excellent Bella. (I know it's not my credit card because I refuse to own go right ahead.)